Worthless love dating a married man Older dating flirting
You’re saying it must be the weather, the traffic, the government. You need different weather, different atmospheric conditions. He didn’t need better weather, less traffic, more oxygen, less gravity. And when you dare to let someone else into that kind of deep sadness, when you dare to tell someone else, out loud, in words, “I am against you, I am against myself, I hate myself every minute of every day,” you’re daring to try on a different kind of love that no one sings about. Lots of people don’t have a true, real, honest connection with their spouses. You’re sure that you’re codependent, and maybe you’re not wrong about that. You can believe that old myth, that cutting yourself off and falling to pieces is more heroic, somehow, than being vulnerable and staying connected to the people who love you.You’re daring to align yourself with someone in a real way, maybe for the first time. You’re taking the biggest leap, for yourself and for them, because you know, in your heart, that they love you enough to try it. But it sounds to me like you’ve found someone who’s strong enough to handle it. But codependence is all about living inside a lie with someone else. I am a sharp and pointy object and I’m going to need some things, outside of what we have together.” The more you make your uncomfortable realities known, the easier it will be to serve your own needs within the relationship. You can live the way you feel you deserve to live: destitute, abandoned, penniless, loveless. It wasn’t the ineffectiveness of journaling or microdosing.You are incredibly afraid of feeling your emotions. Saying “I have been hating you,” and crying, and knowing how much you care, feeling that, for the first time in years?But once you embrace your feelings instead of hiding from them (and low-level, overcast-skies depression can be a manifestation of hiding from stronger, less acceptable emotions like shame and anger), you’ll finally see that being broken and scared is beautiful. Letting your friend move away and never thanking her for telling you the truth is ugly. Feeling unfixable and saying so, out loud, is beautiful. There’s not much in this world is more beautiful than that.I know if we divorced it would throw my life into serious chaos. But I have to wonder if chaos is what I need, because nothing else — going to therapy, taking prescribed medication, writing in a goddamn journal, MICRODOSING lol — seems to be knocking me out of this sad, ghostlike existence.Writing it out sounds so bitchy, like I’m blaming him for my unhappiness, which I’m not.
I love him so much and I believe he loves me and that feels good, but I was better off in nearly every way when I was in unsatisfying relationships or single, even though my life was by no means perfect or even happy a lot of the time. I’m not getting any younger, and I’m definitely not getting any more dateable (I’m 38).
So instead of kicking out the best, most loyal person you’ve ever known simply because you hate yourself Will it be hard? Will you feel more afraid than you’ve ever been before? Once you tell your husband the whole, uncomfortable truth, it’ll be easier to make some space for yourself, to live on your own terms. You can shut out the last good person in your life. What got you here was your refusal to make a real connection, to tell the truth, to accept and embrace the truth about who you are and how angry and scared and ashamed you feel.
You can refuse connection, refuse to look at yourself, refuse to dig for the whole truth and instead blame the trees, blame the sky, blame the sun. You wrote the truest thing in your whole letter at the very end: “Maybe the reason I’ve behaved this way for so long is that the only friend who could ever tell me anything moved away.” But even It is exceptionally difficult to make progress with your depression when you don’t tell anyone (including yourself) the whole truth, when you shut people out and refuse to connect, when you tell people to drop it the second they want to talk about something real. Maybe some part of you is romanticizing the idea of losing everything. Only desperation and madness and chaos can excuse it.
,” recognize that it’s just you, doing what you do: Protecting yourself.
Withdrawing instead of looking more closely at the chaos INSIDE OF YOU.